Recognizing abuse in your relationship
And where to turn for help.
If you've ever found yourself questioning whether what's happening in your relationship is "bad enough" to count as abuse, or if you've felt smaller, more anxious, or more alone the longer a relationship has gone on, this article is for you.
Step Forward Health Society is proud to offer When Love Hurts, a free, 12-week group counselling program for women who feel unsafe, controlled, or diminished in their relationships, whether they identify it as abuse or not. The online program is offered to women in Delta and surrounding communities who need a safe, confidential space to be heard. Sessions are led by professional, trauma-informed therapists in a small-group format, so women can connect with others who understand, without ever needing to leave home, arrange childcare, or explain where they’re going to a partner.
Before describing the program itself, we want to share some context: what abuse actually looks like, how common it is, and why it affects far more than just the two people in a relationship.
What counts as abuse?
Abuse doesn't require bruises to be real, and it doesn't have to happen every day to be serious. Many women describe it as a slow erosion. A relationship that started out loving and gradually became something that felt unsafe, one small incident at a time.
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is rarely just one thing. It's a pattern of behaviour used by one partner to gain and maintain power and control over another. It can be loud and visible, or quiet and invisible to everyone except the person living it. Common forms include:
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hitting, choking, restraining, throwing objects, or any use of physical force to hurt, intimidate, or control.
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constant criticism, humiliation, name-calling, gaslighting (making you doubt your own memory or perception), threats, or intentionally undermining your confidence and sense of self.
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controlling access to money, preventing a partner from working, running up debt in their name, or requiring them to justify every purchase.
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any sexual act or pressure applied without full, ongoing consent, including within a marriage or long-term relationship.
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an ongoing pattern of monitoring, isolating, and restricting a partner's freedom: controlling who they see, what they wear, where they go, or constantly checking their phone or location.
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using texts, social media, GPS tracking, or shared accounts to monitor, harass, or control a partner, even after a relationship has ended.
The scale of the problem
Intimate partner violence is not rare, and it is not a private matter that only affects the people directly involved. It is a widespread public health and community issue.
In 2024, Statistics Canada recorded more than 128,000 victims of police-reported intimate partner violence across the country. Women made up about 78% of them and intimate partner violence accounted for one in every four violent crimes reported to police. Even that number understates the problem: self-reported survey data suggests roughly four in five incidents of intimate partner violence are never reported to police at all, often because a woman is unsure how to seek help, fears retaliation, or is financially dependent on her partner.
Here in British Columbia, the gap between what’s reported and what’s happening shows up in the demand for support services. VictimLinkBC , the province’s 24/7 crisis and referral line fields well over 14,000 calls a year from people affected by family and sexual violence.
The impact also shows up in our healthcare system. Between 50–66% of women facing severe intimate partner violence seek help from health workers, driving higher ER and primary care use. Fraser Health records BC's highest volume of domestic violence deaths and critical hospital interventions, though its large population keeps the per-capita rate moderate. Indigenous women face significantly elevated risk, reporting violent victimization at more than double the rate of non-Indigenous women, a gap tied to broader systemic and historical factors.
The urgency of all this is underscored by a recent B.C. death review panel finding at least 135 IPV-related deaths provincially between 2016 and 2024. B.C.'s chief coroner called these deaths overwhelmingly preventable; the panel identified stigma, fear of retaliation, and limited access to prevention services as key systemic gaps.
These are not just statistics. Each number represents a woman trying to figure out how to keep herself, and often her children, safe.
The ripple effect: families and communities
Abuse rarely stays contained to one relationship. It moves outward, affecting nearly everyone connected to it.
Children who grow up in homes with intimate partner violence are considered to be experiencing a form of maltreatment, even if they are never directly harmed themselves. Witnessing violence between caregivers is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, difficulty in school, and an increased risk of experiencing or perpetrating abuse in their own adult relationships. Breaking this cycle is one of the most powerful reasons to seek support early.
Extended family and friends often feel helpless, torn, or shut out, especially since isolation is one of the most common tools of coercive control. Relationships with parents, siblings, and friends are frequently among the first casualties of an abusive dynamic.
Workplaces and communities absorb real costs too such as lost productivity, absenteeism, and the strain on healthcare, policing, shelters, and social services. Communities with under-resourced support systems see these effects compound over time, which is part of why locally funded, accessible programs matter so much.
Housing and financial stability are also frequently at stake. Many women report that the biggest barrier to leaving an unsafe relationship isn't a lack of desire to leave but rather not knowing how they'll manage housing, income, or care for their children on their own.
Why When Love Hurts exists
Recognizing abuse is only the first step. Improving safety while staying in the relationship, leaving the relationship if desired, healing, and rebuilding a sense of safety and self are their own journeys; they are much harder to walk alone.
When Love Hurts was created to close that gap. The program offers:
Online group counselling sessions, so women can join safely and privately from anywhere with internet access. It’s an especially important option for women who are living with an unsafe partner or who face transportation, childcare, scheduling, or safety barriers.
Facilitation by professional, trauma-informed therapists, ensuring the space is clinically grounded and genuinely safe, not just peer support alone.
A community of women who understand, reducing the isolation that so often accompanies abuse. Many participants say that hearing "me too" from another woman in the group is the first moment they feel truly believed.
Available free to women in Delta, BC and beyond, thanks to its online format and the financial support of Step Forward Health Society.
If you recognize yourself in any part of this article—confusion, walking on eggshells, a sense that something is wrong even if you can't quite name it—please know that reaching out is not an overreaction. It's the first step toward feeling safe again.
Getting support
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
For confidential, 24/7 crisis support, information, and referrals anywhere in BC, you can call or text VictimLinkBC at 1-800-563-0808, available in more than 150 languages.
To learn more about joining When Love Hurts, or to ask questions about the program in a confidential setting, please reach out to whenlovehurts@stepforwardhealth.ca.
This is a sensitive topic, and if you or someone you know is struggling with the effects of an unsafe relationship, please know that support is available. You don't have to navigate this alone.